Just this week, I had a couple of clients (unrealted), wondering how do you let go of someone? They had both suffered immeasurable loss of a loved one. As we processed their particular situation, it further solidified my belief that the longest distance between two points can be the mind and the heart. Sometimes as we experience grief, your mind can tell you things and your heart either denies it or refuses to 'hear' it. I have come to experience grief in many different scenarios and have heard many clients try to comfort themselves with information that is not true. For example, a person who loses their mother, imagines that they have not spoken to their mother because their mother is traveling and there is no phone where she is and will call when she is available. This is a client who clearly rationalizes that they "understand" their mother is deceased, but have a difficult time believing it. Hence my assessment of the "longest distance between two points".
Another point that is often mentioned during the therapy process is "how do I let them go?" I can always sense the pain behind this comment, and that is what I address first. Sometimes it's not about "letting go", often times in the beginning of the therapy process it's about being heard. So often, after a loss, the rest of the world "goes on" and the survivor seems left alone to deal with the loss. Often fearing the burdening of others that they are "stuck" or not being ready to "move on". Having a professional help with the process of listening to the pain, the grief, is very necessary.
I help my clients understand that it's OK exactly where they are and allow them the opportunity feel the pain in a safe environment.
As we move through the process, (the on going process of therapy), we explore the client's ability to define a new "normal" for them and if possible a new understanding that instead of "letting go" we can "let it be".
For friends and family of mine, it has always seemed that the biggest issue wasn't really "letting go" or "moving on" because they already had a life apart from the deceased. But their biggest problems seemed to stem from simply comprehending what it means to lose someone forever.
ReplyDeleteIt's almost like trying to imagine something like the universe never ending and trying to think of how big it is. They are just thoughts that are hard to wrap the mind around.
Personally, i've found that many people are comforted by actively doing something physical to remember their lost one. Such as constructing a scrap or photo book to make a little memorial.